


Scent

by yuggie_yuggie



Series: Solos (of Changkyun and his trysts) [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, M/M, changkyun just needs to sort out some stuff, nothing actually bad, post breakup, scent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:20:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25046014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuggie_yuggie/pseuds/yuggie_yuggie
Summary: When he told Jooheon, he said that he was sorry it couldn’t work out. He was a liar. Still is. He wasn’t sorry then and isn’t sorry now, because he hates what they had.Jooheon doesn’t hate him. He avoids him. Doesn’t touch him as often. But doesn’t hate him. Annoying understanding at that. They try their best to act normal, thought maybe for Jooheon it isn’t an act at all. He was just like that. Resilient and loving and giving, even when heart broken. And yet it is enough that the other members pick up on the shift in dynamic.The maknaes are usually so close. What happened?Changkyun happened.-[inspired by Scent by I.M; written in March of 2020]
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Jooheon
Series: Solos (of Changkyun and his trysts) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1816906
Kudos: 24





	Scent

A small part of Changkyun hates that the scent lingers on his skin.  Jooheon. His friend. 

It lingers and clings and won’t let go, even as he scrubs at his skin and tries his best to rid himself of it. It’s persistent.  He can’t forget Jooheon, especially with him right there. It eats away at him, still sharing a room with the man, still being his friend even if all he wants is to run away and never look back.

He feels disgusting, and he usually loves the smell of his members because it reminds him of home, but Jooheon just reminds him of how much they shouldn’t have been together. It’s doubt and fear that finally gets to him, that drives him to near insanity at the _clinging_.

When he told Jooheon, he said that he was sorry it couldn’t work out. He was a liar. Still is. He wasn’t sorry then and isn’t sorry now, because he hates what they had. 

_Jooheon_ doesn’t hate him. He avoids him. Doesn’t touch him as often. But doesn’t hate him. Annoying understanding at that. They try their best to act normal, though maybe for Jooheon it isn’t an act at all. He's just like that. Resilient and loving and giving, even when heart broken. And yet it is enough that the other members pick up on the shift in dynamic.

_ The maknaes are usually so close. What happened? _

Changkyun happened.

Then there’s the ever looming word of ‘space’. Changkyun asked for it; he asked for more of it. He said he needed it. And he does. But it also brings along an unsaid expectation of a time where he no longer needs space.

Maybe what he really wants is another beginning, but he can’t bring himself to say that because how could he? The look on Jooheon’s face at the prospect of space - when space is not even an option in this career - was enough. It’s madness to even consider it.

It’s even more impossible to consider when they have to act normal, when the other members can’t be allowed to suspect anything.

But he asks, and Jooheon gives. He gives as much space as he can and more after that, if only for the sake of Changkyun’s comfort at the cost of their careers, and that’s all he can really ask for without being truly an asshole in this situation.

* * *

Hoseok is the one who tells him to write a song.

He loops an arm around his shoulder. “I don’t know what’s wrong, but it’ll be good to have an outlet.”

And it goes unsaid that it is a natural solution, because Changkyun seems to spend more time in his studio than the dorm nowadays. It’s easier, because his studio is his own space, one he doesn’t allow anyone into. It’s his own, despite how cramped it may be, and he thrives.

“Okay.”

So he writes. He writes down everything he feels and some more after that. It’s crazy how songs can exaggerate emotions, and he doesn’t know if he wants that. Maybe if what he's feeling had a name, maybe if it's more intense, he can finally work it out.

But it isn’t, and it feels wrong to make it more than that.

So he goes back, and changes it again until reading the lyrics doesn’t make his skin crawl. 

Until the lyrics don’t make him a liar.

* * *

_ “Is it something I did?” _

_ “No, no.” Changkyun is quick to reply because it isn’t Jooheon’s fault, not really. It’s him, and how he feels so uncomfortable in his own skin whenever they approach anything beyond reasonably platonic. _

_ And that line is already blurry between them, but it doesn’t stop things like a date or flowers on Valentine’s Day from making his skin crawl. _

_ Jooheon looks utterly hurt, but still sweetly understanding. “Then what is it?” _

_ “It’s just too much for me right now, hyung. I think we need to take a break.” _

_ “If that’s what you want. Just don’t cry anymore, okay? It breaks my heart.” _

_ Changkyun laughs. _

* * *

Kihyun does what he does best, and nags.

Changkyun is grateful, because the nagging finally gives him part of the blame. The guilt lifts as he is finally able to take responsibility. And it’s shitty that it has to be this way, because anyone in his position, who feels what he does, should jump at any opportunity to shirk the blame. He’s an asshole already, so playing the saint doesn’t fit his image at this point.

But the guilt lifts. 

Still doesn’t make the conversation any easier.

“You can’t keep doing this, Changkyun-ah. 

“I know.”

He looks up from the laundry, eyes full of motherly concern and whatever else he deems necessary. “It’s affecting our group dynamic.”

Oh. 

So it’s like that. 

Probably a product of Hyunwoo’s concern and unwillingness to breach the subject himself.

“I know.”

“And I get that you’re trying to pretend nothing is wrong, but we can feel it. And when we feel it we start noticing. The fans will too.”

“I know.”  And he does, he really does.

Kihyun doesn’t look entirely impressed at his lack of a response, but must feel that his message got through enough that he turns back to folding. “Help me out.”

Changkyun sits up languidly. “Yes, hyung.”

* * *

Nothing has really changed. 

They still cuddle. They still cling to each other on stage. They still feed each other. They still tease, laugh, have fun, be close, but it isn’t the same. It’s the hesitance before every touch. It’s the careful avoidance of certain subjects. It’s when Changkyun has to give back all of Jooheon’s clothes he stole during their...trysts.

“You know you can keep them. It’s not like we don’t share a closet,” Jooheon jokes.

Changkyun shakes his head. “I can’t.” He holds out the stack, and when his friend takes them it feels final.  It’s probably the fourth time he’s felt this way this month. Every time they move past a price of their relationship, it feels like the last but there’s always something else.

Jooheon sets them down on his bunk, then sits next to them. Without words, Changkyun sits too, separated by the stack that taunts him. It’s barely half a meter of distance, but they’ve been miles apart for ages now.

“What happened to us?” Surprisingly, it is Changkyun who asks.

“I think we stopped loving each other, in that way.”

He can’t stop the words that tumble out next. “I don’t know that I ever could love you that way.”

Jooheon nods. “I get that.”

Changkyun hurts, at how good Jooheon is to him, even after all of this. “Why aren’t you mad?”

The older rapper fiddles with a hoodie string, smoothing over wrinkles he finds. “How can I be? I love you.” He says it like it is a fact, and maybe it is to him but to Changkyun it's salt on his wounds. The part of his mind that hates Jooheon for being so _good_ thinks he is saying this on purpose.

But he knows better.

“I-I love you too.”

“But in what way? What are we to each other?”

Changkyun chokes on a sob, but Jooheon ignores it. “I-I don’t know.”

“Well to me, you are my junior, my brother, my best friend, and possibly my soulmate.” He shrugs. “I’ve always been open with love, Changkyun, and I love you in any way you can think of, but if this is all we can ever be, I’m sorry that I pushed.”

And what’s ironic is that Changkyun was the one to confess, to initiate the first kiss, to ask him out on a date, to put a label on whatever they had. Changkyun pushed, but he isn’t going to mention it now.

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Jooheon presses a soft kiss to his temple. “Now come on, let’s eat.”

* * *

_ “Come over here.” _

_ Jooheon reaches up with grabby hands, and who is Changkyun to resist? He snickers, an collapses on top of his boyfriend.  _

_ The hold each each other, Changkyun clinging onto his neck and Jooheon patting his hair. The older rapper’s studio isn’t particularly spacious, but it isn’t cramped enough that they can justify sitting this way if someone walks in. _

_ Not that anyone will, seeing as how the doors are locked and management doesn’t bother checking in, but still. It’s an underlying concern that sours moments like this. _

_ Changkyun sighs. “Tired.” _

_ “I know, baby, I know.” _

_ “Wanna go home.” _

_ Jooheon pauses, and considers the time. It must have been late enough that he deems it okay for them to cuddle at home, because everyone else must be asleep by now. “Okay. Can you walk for me?” _

_ Changkyun whines, low, into his boyfriend’s ear, but complies and peels himself off. “Tired.” _

_ “I know, I know.” He presses a soft kiss to his lips. “M’tired too.” _

_ But not in the same way. _

* * *

Changkyun remembers when he realised. They were holding each other on the studio couch - Jooheon's - and the older rapper moved in for a kiss.

Changkyun tensed, and he felt disgusting.

Oh.

* * *

The song gets released as part of his mixtape. The company probably thinks it’s just another one of those ideas that don’t really stem from experience. The members are more focused on the raunchiness of Horizon to notice.

But Hoseok does.

“Did you and Honey...?”

It goes unasked, hanging in the air of the kitchen as the others laugh in the living room, trying out his lyrics on their tongue.

And it’s not a coincidence that half of the lyrics in Scent is some apology or another. It feels like all he can do. Sometimes it even feels like too much, because neither of them are in the wrong, but it has to be done.   


Look at them. They’ve resorted to fucking courtesy.

Changkyun nods.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh.”

* * *

The scent clings still, because Jooheon is a constant in his life. He’s there, even more than the other members because they are best friends and partners in crime, and he almost sobbed in relief when Minhyuk pulled Jooheon away the other day.

It’s all too much, and it’s becoming numb. The only moments he truly feels are when they get too close, and the ache in his bones return. That’s when he jerks himself away, flinches, and the hurt returns to Jooheon’s eyes.

“I listened to it.”

Changkyun looks over at Jooheon, who is dangling upside-down from his bunk, feet against the wall, hair touching the ground. He himself in on the ground, leaning against the bed frame.

“Horizon?”

“Yeah, but also the other one. Scent, was it?”

They both know the answer to that.

“Is it now.“

“It’s good.”

“That’s good.”

The silence is awkward. It weighs down, bears down, and Changkyun wants to curl up and walk away at the same time. 

Jooheon sits up, and slides to the ground next to him. He doesn’t touch him. “I take it that Scent was your form of closure?”

“Kind of. I couldn’t figure out how to tell you.”

“You know you didn’t have to.”

Changkyun shrugs. “I wrote it already. Might as well put it out there.” 

It probably isn’t the right answer, but it’s true. As much as Jooheon is hurting, Changkyun can’t lie to him again. He holds no value over this song that he poured his heart into, and that is terrifying.

“Horizon?”

“I wrote that last year. For you.”

And he did, in the midst of their relationship, before it became a relationship. It was fun. It was exhilarated. He was in love. So he wrote a song. He had written a song then and he writes another now.

It has to be enough.

“I see.”

“Maybe just listen to that one.”

This time it is Jooheon chokes on a sob, and this time it is who Changkyun ignores it. “Maybe.”

“Good, wanna go get snacks?”

“Sure.”

Then they move on, and as much as they should sort this all out, they don’t, because the scent doesn’t want them to.


End file.
